Nine Years and Counting

Nine years ago, I had the realization that I, despite previously believing otherwise, had the capacity to write a book. A novel, a fantasy story that would span tens of thousands of words. On April 2nd, 2011, I wrote the first lines and pages of what would become my first completed novel. (I just went and reread those first lines and it made me so happy.) That story is trunked, but I have fond memories of some of the elements from it. I hope to some day resurrect those elements in other stories. Since that day, I’ve drafted six novels, revised and queried two, and started multiple others that paused or broke off at various wordcounts.

Back then when I was learning about writing and publishing, I learned an important lesson: most writers don’t see publication in their first ten years of writing. So, I decided I would give myself ten years. Ten years to learn, ten years to be bad at this, ten years to improve, and--hopefully--ten years to get published. But if there's one thing I've learned about myself in the past nine years, it's how much creating stories is a part of me. Of course I'd love to someday announce that I have an agent and I'm getting published and all my dreams are coming true, but even if that day never comes, I will keep writing.

Which is surprising to me, in a way. I got into this gig not only because it was a great way to spend my time as a new stay-at-home-mom, not only because it gave me a way to express my creativity that didn't require me to leave the house, but also because I did want to be published. I remember drawing a picture of a trilogy on a shelf, with a cover to match the book I was working on, as motivation to keep writing. Honestly, maybe I should do that again lol. And beyond that, I wanted to earn money doing this.

I see authors with 30+ books released and more on the way, who have readers and change lives and it just makes me want it more. And the one piece of advice I've heard more than any other over the years is that you only fail if you stop.

Now, I've thought about this too: I've had to take significant breaks from writing in the past nine years. There were three years in there where I didn't produce any new work, and coming back after that has been really difficult. I finished a draft, but it wasn't good. I'm working on something else because I wanted to get away from that project. Though I didn't want to say it out loud at the time, I considered that a failure.

That writing break happened in 2016-2018. It's now 2020 and I'm honestly not sure what I have to show for the last couple of years. A bunch of query rejections and a really *really* bad first draft? I feel like I'm back in year four or five of my "ten years" I gave myself, and if that's the case, maybe I need to extend my "finish line" so to speak.

This way of thinking has always kept me motivated. It was like it gave me a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, and now that I'm coming up on the timeline end I'm not sure how to feel or what to think. My apologies for the ramblings, but it's how I'm feeling, and this is my blog so I do what I want ;) I love my stories, though. That's one thing I know for certain. And I know that I am willing to put in the work required to get to where I want to be. Whether it takes one more year or five, or twenty, I will keep pushing, keep learning, and keep writing.

All that said, I'd like to start treating this day as a kind of check-in point for me. A review of the past year and a list of what's to come. I don't know what to call this, but I'm sure I'll think of something eventually.

So 2019 was a real whirlwind for me and my family, and in retrospect it makes a lot of sense why I didn't get anything new written that I was happy with. At the very end of 2018, we were given six weeks notice that we needed to be out of the apartment we'd lived in for six years. We were devastated, and I definitely could not write or focus during that time.

We finally moved and were lucky to find a home to buy, and I spent the next few months drafting a new project and revising an old one. I sent out some queries in May of that year for TARGET, which I'd queried in 2014. These were to agents who, to be honest, hadn't been agents back then. I got some requests and rejections as I'd kind of expected, and then sent out more queries in October for a different story--SUMMON. Same results, and I actually just got a rejection on a full request this past week, so that was rough.

All the while, I was playing with a half-draft of a new story, OF TOPAZ AND STARLIGHT. I ended up drafting it for NaNoWriMo, but this is the story that I feel is a fail. It's broken, and I'm not sure why. I need to take some diagnostic story tools to it and see if I can pinpoint what the major issues are and maybe fix them. It's entirely possible that this, like my first book, just needs to be trunked. But I love the characters and hope to use them in something someday. We'll see.

I took December off intentionally, and since January I've been slowly drafting a YA Fantasy monster-hunter story that I am absolutely in love with. For the first time, I'm getting feedback from alpha readers as I write, and it's making a significant difference in my process. I feel--I hope--I come out of this with a cleaner rough draft than I normally do.

Side note: this has always been a struggle for me, because my "Zero Draft" is always a huge mess, which makes revising VERY daunting. I would love it if I come out of this process with more confidence and hope than dread as I have in the past.

I'm also playing with the idea of self-publishing some adult stuff under a pen name, but if I do I won't be talking about that much here, except to say that it's taking up writing time. We'll see how that goes.

And then, of course, covid-19 happened, and my kids are schooling from home for the rest of the year, which takes up all of my daytime "get stuff done" time and a significant amount of mental and emotional energy. As with everyone else, I don't know what the coming months hold. All I can do is take things one day at a time and hope for the best.

In the meantime, stay home, wash your hands, and be awesome.

Thanks for reading, guys <3


Making Time

I think I’m stuck in a rut. 

The past few weeks have been particularly trying for me. Because even though school is finally back in session and I actually have down time most days, I’ve had a lot going on. 

School started on the 5th. The first week is always rough, and this time around our kids had trouble staying asleep all night that first week, so along with working until 1am some nights, I also wasn’t getting sleep  between 1am and 7am. 

Then on the 15th we got news that my Grandpa wasn’t doing well and had asked people to come visit him. I took my kids over that day, and it was hard to see my amazing grandfather so frail, but I’m glad I got to sit and hold his hand for a while. He passed away in his sleep on the night of the 18th, and from there it was all about getting babysitters for the viewing and the funeral and making sure I didn’t have tears streaming down my face when I delivered pizza to customers. 

We had guests for dinner one night, and a concert my brother was in another, we had a school Skateland Party, classmate birthdays, parent-teacher meetings, and finally a day-long doctors appointment that was super necessary and I’m grateful we got through it, but also super stressful and a lot to take in. 

Then my grandpa’s funeral was yesterday, (plus a lot of other stuff going on) and you’d think I would’ve been cried-our by this point, but NO. It was a long day, we had many places to be, and finally I was able to end the night with an awesome friend taking me to dinner and allowing me to just talk freely about so much and feel like a normal person for a couple hours. 

I woke up today feeling sore all over. My body and brain are mush, and I do t even know if the crazy is over yet. All I know is I have a night of nothing scheduled, and I want to do nothing except sleep. Then I got a call tonight from my store saying I was scheduled to work. What? I called back because I know I had checked the schedule three times to make sure I knew when they needed me, and I was positive I had Thursday off. Well, apparently the schedule had been changed between the last time I looked at it (Monday, the last time I worked) and today. And no one told me. Yet they expected me to be there. I'll be honest, even if I hadn't had the week I've had, I would be upset. But given how emotional my life has been the last week, I cried on the phone and told the manager I couldn't come in tonight. Did I have plans? No. That was the idea. I need this night to recharge. 

So, back to my opening statement. 

I firmly believe that opportunities don’t come unless you’re moving forward. You’ve got to be on a path in order for things to come into said path, right? I’m not going to get an agent or sell any books unless I’m writing books. And every day I look at my lack of progress in my writing career and think, “Why isn’t anything happening?” 

But I know why. It’s because I’m not “making time” to write. Because people who WANT to write will MAKE the time to do it, right? 

I’ve really come to hate that saying. 

Back when I had only two kids and no job and my anxiety was dormant and I was supported by my husband’s income, I was able to “make time” to write. 

But now, I don’t have a choice but to fill my time with a bunch of things that aren’t writing. 

I have four kids (it’s not a dozen, but it’s a lot). I work a job from home during the day *and* one outside the home at night to help support our family. My anxiety is manageable, but there are always bad days. Finances are stressful, even when they’re not debilitating. Family is stressful even when I love them with all my heart. 

The fact is, my days and nights are filled with so much stuff that any down time I have is used either sleeping or just letting my brain rest from all the mental stress of organizing, list-making, double checking, and feeing frustrates that things still fall through the cracks. 

There’s got to be a problem when you can drink 36oz of Dr Pepper before 11am and then sleep from 11-1. 

I want to make time to write. But I have nothing blocking my creativity right now except Life Happenings, and unfortunately real life has to take priority over my imaginary ones. I still manage to find a few hours most weeks to write, but nothing as consistent or regular as I would like. And that’s frustrating to me. 

I’m not writing this to ask for advice, really. I know the problem, and I’ve accepted that I can’t really fix it right now. It’ll take time. I need to look at my life and decide what I can keep and what I need to let go of. That’ll be hard, but I think it’s time for some solid self examination. Because I can’t continue to function with this level of activity and stress. 

Thanks for listening ❤️

So Many Ideas, So Little Time

Back in September of 2012, when I was still a newbie writer, I typed "The End" on my first ever first draft. I immediately sent it to a few friends who had volunteered to read it, and then sat back to wait and realized:

I had no idea what to write next.

The problem hadn't occurred to me until that point. I knew, from being online and seeing more seasoned writers talk about it, that the next step after finishing something was to start the next thing. But I didn't have any other ideas. I thought maybe that was the one book in me, and I'd never write another story ever again. Maybe I would be happy to just self publish this one and see it in print and that would be my life's lone work of art.

Then a few weeks later, I was lying in bed in our tiny apartment, my husband sleeping beside me, and the baby in his crib, and I thought...what if Robin Hood were a teenage girl? What would make a young woman so hardened that she would be respected by a group of outlaws enough to be their leader?

And so, my next story was born.

Over the years I've heard many authors talk about idea generation. Keeping lists, notebooks, word docs, or what have you, writing down any tiny spark of a story idea just in case it has potential to grow into an inferno. Because that's how it works. A story doesn't just happen--at least not for me. Once I find that spark, I have to feed it. I have to be patient, and I have to nurture it until it gets big enough to be a fully grown story.

Some story seeds grow fast. That Robin Hood idea did for me. I wrote and revised it in 2012/2013, and queried slowly throughout 2014 and 2015 (while I wrote the next project). During that time I got another idea for a book that I didn't attempt to write until NaNoWriMo of 2015. I knew I would need to be a better writer to do it justice, and even then, after more than three years of waiting, the story wasn't ready. I drafted it, and it had holes the size of a house all through it. That story needed more time to simmer.

Speaking of simmering, Victoria Schwab often talks about how she always has multiple story ideas on the "stove" of her brain. Some, she's actively "cooking" by outlining, world-building, or actually writing. But most, she has on a low heat, letting them simmer, letting the ingredients--the story spark, the characters, the plot twists--slowly come together in her head, until they're connected enough that she can actually draft the story.

I love this analogy, because it emphasizes the idea that not all stories come together like Hamburger Helper. Some take time and patience. Nothing against Hamburger Helper, of course. I grew up on that stuff. I'm just saying, some stories come together quickly and are delicious, and others take time and are delicious. There's a place for every story, no matter how long it takes to grow.

So for me, I now have a note on my iPhone Notes app that is pages and pages of tiny story sparks. Sometimes I'll go scroll through them and see if anything pops out at me, but more often than not these days, I already know what I want to work on before I've finished the last project. As of right now, I'm drafting one story, and I have the next one on a simmer, just waiting for a few little things to come together before I start it.

I'll close with this story. In February 2015, I met Brandon Sanderson at a signing. He's always gracious to fans and usually asks if you have a question for him. I asked something like, with the market fluctuating so much and tastes changing, how do you decide which ideas to follow? Which stories to write?

His answer was that for him, he has deadlines and obligations, so he kind of has to find a way to make himself write what he needs to. But if he's ever not feeling it, he'll take a few days to maybe play with an idea he's more excited about, to get him in the zone of being excited about writing. And he said that for me, I should focus on writing exactly that: what I'm most excited about. Because yes, the market is unpredictable and no one knows what's going to be big next week, let alone next year. So until I had deadlines, nurturing my love of writing was the most important thing.

I don't think he actually said all that, but that's what I got out of it :) 

How do you organize your ideas? How do you decide what to write and when? How do you know when a story idea is ready to be moved from "simmer" to "high heat"?

Thanks for reading, guys <3


Testing Out My Focus Word

January 2019 has been a whirlwind, guys.

Between December 28th and February 2nd, we went from settled and happy and planning the coming year, to having our roots ripped up and being forced to make a huge shift.

Our landlord gave us six weeks to move out of our apartment. I won’t go into his reasons, he was within his legal rights to do so. I have opinions about the situation but what matters is what happened.

Friends and family contributed to support us. Our cousins—who are real estate agents—got us approved to buy a home within a day. We found a home that fit our needs on January 11th, and our offer was approved on January 14th. We closed on the him January 31st, and we’re fully moved in (and out of our old house) on February 2nd, a whole week earlier than our deadline.

As I spend my days slowly unpacking and trying to wind down from the stress of the last five weeks, I find myself crying a lot, even though the uncertainty has passed. I feel gratitude and relief, I feel overwhelmed and loved.

And in the middle of all that, someone (I still don't know who) donated a full registration for me to attend Storymakers writing conference. I didn't ask for that, in fact I'd resigned myself to not going. But the generosity of the amazing people in my life continues to astound me.

All that said, it’s been months since I’ve written any new words, and the writerly part of my brain is screaming to be used.

The dilemma of wanting to write and not having enough mental space to do it is a real thing. There was a lot of waiting to do in the last month, a lot of sitting and staring at my phone as I waited for an email or a text message response to a question...but I was so stressed that I couldn’t bring myself to write during any of those times. Even when the house went quiet at the end of each day, I couldn’t hold a story in my head long enough to put down words. The stress was too much.

Now that we’re moved in and getting settled though, my creative brain is getting louder. Some people will say I shouldn’t push myself, and maybe they’re right. But I’m so anxious and eager to create. I’ve tried the last couple of days to draft something new, but I’m so out of the habit that it’s been difficult. I need to force myself to write words, any words, every day. Gotta start with something simple.

I saw someone the other day suggest writing a paragraph on why I want to write, or why I’m finding it difficult. I guess that’s partly why I wanted to write this blog post. These are my thoughts. It’s what’s been running through my head for a few days, and it’s also words I can count. It may not be story words, but it’s a place to start. Hopefully tomorrow, I can do more. Maybe I’ll try a writing prompt or a short story idea or something.

Here’s to stability, persistence, and writing a little bit as often as I can.


2018 Reflections, 2019 Resolutions

Hey y'all. It's been a minute, hasn't it? Happy New Year! 

As some of you may know if you've been following me for a while, instead of resolutions the last few years, I've chosen a single word to be my driving force. 

2015: Believe
2016: Gratitude
2017: Wait
2018: Reach

A year ago, I set my 2018 Focus Word as REACH. It was good for me. I didn’t want to do too much or push myself too hard, but I did want to get out of the rut I felt I was stuck in. 

Looking back, I can say with confidence that I accomplished that goal. In retrospect I maybe set my goals a little too high, I didn't do exactly everything I set out to do, but I did a lot more than I have in past years. So I’m taking the win. 

Some of the things I did this year that I’m proud of: 

-Had a baby! (Fourth time, but still an accomplishment!)
-Paid off a lot of debt (not all, but a lot)
-Participated in GISH!
-Set up my in-home recording studio
-Taught at a writing conference!
-Recorded and produced an audiobook!!!
-Recorded a second audiobook to be released in 2019
-Read 30 books 
-Revised SUMMON. TWICE. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I’ve learned that I constantly overestimate my ability to get work done quickly, so I need to make sure I give myself like twice the amount of time I think I need to do a project. 

I’ve learned that I’m a much better mom, wife, and person in general when I stay off of Twitter and Facebook for the majority of my days. 

I’ve learned that I enjoy reading to my kids every night. 

I’ve learned that I sleep better and am less stressed when I exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. 

I’ve learned that there are still a lot of areas of my life that I want to improve upon. 

2018 was crazy, but it was also a lot of fun. When, in early December, I started thinking about 2019, I had tentatively chosen my focus word, but I wasn’t 100% happy with it. That’s probably because 2018 wasn’t done with us yet. 

The first week of December, our car died. The repairs were going to cost more than it was worth to fix it, so we decided to take what we would’ve spent on repairs and buy a newer vehicle instead. So we got a new truck for Christmas! Exciting, right? 

And then on Dec. 28th, just three days before the posting of this, we were given six weeks to be moved out of the apartment we’ve lived in for six and a half years. 

I. Am. Terrified. 

It's been three days and we're still kind of floundering. We're talking to our cousins (realtors) and trying to find a place that will fit our family and our budget. We're praying like crazy. And there are moments of absolute panic where it all hits and the only thing we can do is stop and cry. Then we pick ourselves up and move on. Because we really don't have any other choice. 

I’ll be honest, friends, we are not in a great place for having to move. The deal we've had in this home was a huge blessing, and there's nothing else even close to the same. But, we had been talking about moving and trying to save for a down payment for a while, so we’re trying our best to look forward with optimism despite the (very real) fear we feel. We are incredibly blessed to have supportive family and friends close by, so all we can do now is move forward, and hope.

That being said, the last two days have made me reevaluate my hopes for 2019. My focus word is, “PERSIST.” 

Despite setbacks and trials, fear and doubt, I am determined to persist. I refuse to back down from my hopes and dreams. I refuse to let fear rule my choices. I want to continue moving forward, taking risks, and pushing myself. And 2019 is a year for that. 

I’m still scared, because not knowing what the future holds can do that to a person. But I have hope. Hope that everything will turn out okay. That this is not the end of the world. That maybe years from now, what feels like such a huge turning point will merely be a blip in the memories of our lives. 

Let’s hope so.  Here’s to 2019! 
*throws confetti*


P.S. If you read this and want to help, my dear friend Julie has set up this fundraiser to help us pay off a little debt and free up some of our finances so we can afford a new place. If you can help, we are eternally grateful. If you can't, please consider sharing on social media so that maybe someone else can. Thank you <3 
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